The Mighty Oaks

Today my mind wondered, How deep are my roots?  How deep are my "roots" of faith, trust, relationships, self confidence, inner dialog....you get the idea. How deep do I ALLOW myself to grow my roots in areas of my life?

Having lived in Florida back in the years of the hurricanes, I remember after the storms passed, being in awe at the large oaks outside that were so huge and grand! No one would have believed before the storms that they would soon be toppled over! But after the storms you could drive miles and see so many that were uprooted and laying over, with their roots completely exposed and reaching straight to the sky! But what I also realized is how so many oaks were still standing firm, where they continued to be rooted into the ground.  What was the difference? The answer came with how hard they worked to gain nourishment from the earth. The ones that were knocked over, were closer to water, or on moist ground, not having to go far to find their nourishment. In fact, they only had to grow more outward, skimming just under the surface of the ground to find their nourishment.  The ones left standing...they had to dig deeper to reach the needed amount of water and nourishment in order to survive.  So when the storms came, it was those trees, who's roots worked to grow deeper and deeper into the earth that survived!  This allowed them to be more sturdy in the storms. 

Storms in life will come.  Ive learned that! We idealize our lives being easy, and exactly what we want. But the truth is, weather its our marriages, a struggling child, our health, our relationship with a close family member for friend who we love, finances....we will have storms of life.  We can not avoid that.  However, when we face these storms, do we dig our roots deeper into what we need for nourishment, or do we try to skim just under the surface of the ground to find what may seem to be an easy fix?

We can and will over come our challenges!  I know you can, as much as I know I can! We just have to dig.... Just dig....

So dig with me today, and lets find the nourishment deep within our faith, our support system, our sole that will make us stand strong like a mighty majestic oak, even among the storms! ;-)

Beautiful Hearbreak

I Asked My Daughter

I asked my daughter the other day, as I drove her to school "How do you feel mommy is doing at this?" She looked at me a bit puzzled. I said "Tell me the truth, how is mom doing for you kids at this almost single mom thing? How is my attitude for you kids? Do you feel supported or do I need to improve on that?" Her answer was a surprise! She said "Your doing great mom, your just quiet A LOT, and I miss you talking more." WOW! *I'll remind her of that comment one day btw! ;)

This should have been my first sign of wrapping myself into the cocoon.  I have strived to be a bit more conversational with my kids. It's not easy when you have so much on your mind, and your children are not the people to share or unload those thoughts on. That is why I was unknowingly quite.  Believe there was plenty of 'talk' going on, it was just my inner dialog. ;)

Ive had moments this weekend that my patience was a bit shorter.  Being aware of this, I put myself in time out a couple of times this weekend.  I wanted the kids to continue to laugh and act up, even though I found myself in a sole searching mode. So I would come to my room, and I know they felt me doing this. As we sat down for scripture study tonight, I felt a need to express my apologies to the kids if they felt mommy was not herself. I assured them of my love for them, and that even mommies need time out sometimes. Then I said "Lets do something new for us. Lets make a prayer list for our family. Lets each share something we need help with, and help each other pray this week for those needs to be met.  My youngest popped up and said "I want a new Lego set!" I giggled and told him were talking about ways we need Heavenly Fathers blessings in our lives. (So cute though!)  As we each shared something we needed help with, it hit me I needed to be sure to include daddy in our list. Daddy will always be a part of our lives, even if he is living in another state now. We can always include him in our prayers no matter the circumstances or trials.

Im really glad we did this!  It ended up being a good exercise and teaching moment for the kids and myself included. We added what we felt daddy would want on his list, and even though at first a couple of them resisted the idea. In the end we witnessed a softening of hearts.  A new level of tenderness, unity and love in our home.....

Beautiful Heartbreak

Cocoon

Have you ever felt you are a little caterpillar?  Your working so long, inching along every day.  Some days you get farther along your path than others.  Then there's the moment you find yourself wrapping yourself into a cocoon. You quiver as the wind blows as you are wrapped tight onto this lief and the rain comes down.  You feel so little and vulnerable, so you stay in that cocoon longer....waiting till you think it's safe to come out.  Waiting till you feel you have grown into that beautiful butterfly, with wings outstretched and ready to finally FLY....

I have realized I go into my cocoon every now and then.  It's times like this I am craving the time to myself, safety, and the time to sole search...quiet the noises of the world and really wrap myself up to both protect and grow into something more. Lately Ive gone into my cocoon again.  There is a degree of peacefulness and security I get when in this web of fabric. But I know I can't always stay here.  The world knows me more as a bubbly, happy, outgoing & social personality.  That is who I am, but every now and then it feels nourishing to my sole to pull back, and rebuild myself spiritually and emotionally a bit. I know I can't stay here too long, for it would not be good at a point.  I am not sure exactly when I will have my wings, but much like a beautiful butterfly, I know when I do decide to break out of my cocoon, I will be ready to spread my wings and FLY!!!!

Beautiful Heartbreak

I Have No Problems....

I must apologize for not posting for a while. There has been a lot going on. Some good and some moments of sadness or emptiness. I realized that I need to be cautious about what I post to protect myself and my children, but I somehow still want to help others that find themselves in my same situation.  However today is a day, I wonder if I even have the ability to help anyone, or if I really should just stick my head into a hole, to spare others.  But something keeps telling me to make something beautiful of my situation.  This IS part of the journey.

So I think I need to focus on simply overcoming challenges of life, more than all about the marriage aspect. Really the principles apply the same, no matter the challenge were looking at. This is why I decided on the above photo.  The small caption really helps us put life into perspective. "I have no problems, just challenges."  When we use the word "Problems" it automatically rolls our shoulders forward, and immediately brings our emotional and spiritual strength down. Think about it...This word comes with 100% burden.  However the word "CHALLENGES" almost brings up a sort of strength we can muster to bust through it, and show ourselves and others what we are made of! LEST RISE TO THE CHALLENGE!  So it is my goal, to take away the 'P' word, and replace it with Challenge!  This reminds me I can over come it, as long as I rely on my Heavenly Father, focus hard, set goals and NGU!!! (NEVER GIVE UP!!!)  Will you do this with me?

<3
Beautiful Heartbreak

What Faith Can Do

Conversations With God

This helped me today... God has all of us in His hands, all we have to do is trust him.  This is a picture of Christ, and I love it! But these are conversations I see myself having with our loving Heavenly Father for sure.  My ignorance and His enduring love....

Beautiful Heartbreak

Me: God, can I ask You a question?
God: Sure
Me: Promise You won't get mad
God: I promise
Me: Why did You let so much stuff happen to me today?
God: What do u mean?
... Me: Well, I woke up late
God: Yes
Me: My car took forever to start
God: Okay
Me: at lunch they made my sandwich wrong & I had to wait
God: Hmmmmm
Me: On the way home, my phone went DEAD, just as I picked up a call
God: All right
Me: And on top of it all off, when I got home ~I just want to soak my feet in my new foot massager & relax. BUT it wouldn't work!!! Nothing went right today! Why did You do that?

God: Let me see, the death angel was at your bed this morning & I had to send one
of My Angels to battle him for your life. I let you sleep through that
Me (humbled): OH
GOD: I didn't let your car start because there was a drunk driver on your route that would have hit you if you were on the road.
Me: (ashamed)
God: The first person who made your sandwich today was sick & I didn't want you to catch what they have, I knew you couldn't afford to miss work.
Me (embarrassed):Okay
God: Your phone went dead bcuz the person that was calling was going to give false witness about what you said on that call, I didn't even let you talk to them so you would be covered.
Me (softly): I see God
God: Oh and that foot massager, it had a short that would knock out all of the power in your house tonight. I didn't think you wanted to be in the dark.
Me: I'm Sorry God

God: Don't be sorry, just learn to Trust Me.... in All things , the Good & the bad.
Me: I will trust You.
God: And don't doubt that My plan for your day is Always Better than your plan.
Me: I won't God. And let me just tell you God, Thank You for Everything today.
God: You're welcome child. It was just another day being your God and I Love looking after My Children...

 

Photos of the Past & New Dreams

My daughters teacher at church asked for a baby picture for her lesson.  I went to the boxes I started years ago (was never consistent with scrap-booking) to rummage through and find a picture or two of my daughter as a baby.

My heart swelled with all the beautiful memories, and was dashed at the same time of all the broken dreams.  I found dating pictures, wedding photos, photos of extended family on both sides and what they have meant in our lives.  I found photos of the in-laws and cried inside because "back then" things felt so non-complicated between us.  I loved them, and admired them so much!  Even sisters-in-law.. WOW! Now...well we haven't spoken in years!  Time has changed all of those things, and it saddens my heart!

I see the hope, the love, the "we can accomplish it all" in our eyes!  I see the man I still know my husband could be today, if we had stayed on that track we once were so focused on TOGETHER as a team!  A "TEAM!!"  There is no "I" in team!!! But our lives became about the "I" and lost the team vision.... We BOTH are to take responsibility for that. And really we both have done the best we felt we could at moments through the years, but power and control and pride really do get in our way of becoming the very best we can be, and truly being able to serve those we love the most.  God really wants us to be willing to lay down our pride, and do what is right, and true even when it's the most difficult, and even faced with the most difficult of challenges.  He wants us to rely on Him, and focus on doing what is right and bringing those we love the most security and peace of mind. 

In these photos, I see in our eyes so much ahead of us...So much to accomplish and the belief we can accomplish our goals.  You see...that is one of the things that attracted me to my husband the most.  We both shared goals, dreams, passions of a beautiful life...a life we knew we would have to work hard for, but we could accomplish together.  I saw various photos of us as we had each of our kids. Being pregnant with each one, their births, birthdays, and fun events along the way.  I cried as I held these precious photos in my hands...My babies looking at me and their father with those eyes telling us they had absolute faith and trust in us as their parents.  Feelings of failing my children's sense of security as parents flooded through me, like hot lava in my veins.  They and I didn't know the burdens they and have witnessed between us today.  They didn't know parents so angry holes were punched through walls, or financial isolation and control from one partner to another.  Lies about debt, that would one day cause people to knock at my door and tell me news I wasn't prepared for. Cars being repossessed when I didn't even know we were behind in the payments.  I had no clue during those years, I would be living a life with the words "tax fraud" as a common concern in my day. 

But if we want change, it's up to us to create it.  So this is where the most difficult steps are ahead for the kids and I.  This is where the road must change.... It's up to me to create change, so that my children know a different life.

Beautiful Heartbreak

Tender Mery

Last night was one of those sleepless nights.  Tossing and turning never settling into a deep state of sleep.  From about 4:45am it turned into gut wrenching almost nightmares I continued to deal with.  My mind was racing with everything I have ahead of me to accomplish, yet keeping the outside of me calm for my children.  So many things to do, and with so little time, yet having to do it so carefully, takes strategy and craft Ive never done before in my life.  "Oh Heavenly Father, please help me know the paths to take, the steps to make as if like stepping stones in front of my feet" I pleaded with Him over and over... "Please calm my heart among the storms, and help me be strong for my children."  You see...they deserve to not live in this cycle any longer either.  There will be sacrifices I don't' know if one is ever really wanting to make, but if we don't sacrifice, there will never be change, and we will forever live in this state of existence. 

Mostly I fear today for my children.  What will he become?  I know what he is capable of becoming...so that is what gives me reason to plead for tender mercy on my children! "PLEASE LORD PROTECT MY BABIES!!!!!"

Today is one of those REALLY HARD days!!!  I know all I can do is rely on my Heavenly Father to help my feet land on the right paths, and bless us for the right people to come into our lives.  I am walking by pure and raw faith on this path.  As many answers as I DON'T have, I know our loving Heavenly Father will bring those answers at the right time, and through the right avenues.

Today....as is every day...is a day with a constant prayer in my heart.....

Beautiful Heartbreak

Lessons of Life

I choose the title of my blog "Beautiful Heartbreak" from the song by Hilary Weeks.  The message in this song, is powerful for each of us, no matter the challenges we face.  This song has brought tears from a pure "broken heart."  Ive listened to this song probably 100+ times, in moments I needed to have a perspective, and keep moving in my day.  I have amazing kids and they need me to be strong for them.  This song has given me the strength to keep going when I didn't want to get out of bed, or answer the phone or admit my reality.  When I wanted to freeze time and hold my babies, and not breath in fear that moment would fade away.  They grow so fast, and part of what I fear is my spouse trying to take them away.  ONLY but because it gives him control and power over me.  He knows the worst way to get at me, is through my children.  They are my everything, and he knows I wouldn't be able to breath without them in my life!  (Google 'Power & Control Wheel' to understand his other side more.) 

I have wanted to start this blog for a while now.  I have felt that extra push to get this started.  For now I choose to remain anonymous in my identity.  Till life begins to take more shape, and I gain more understanding of this journey the kids and I are on.  I have been blessed to meet many amazing people in my life!  Many from my career journey are not aware of my home situation.  I'm not ready to open my personal life up, till I know more what we will make or our next steps.

There are events in our lives pushing me to make a decision in what direction to take next.  This has caught me by surprise, but really I have been praying and crying out to my Heavenly Father for answers.  I fear He has been trying to tell me what to do, I have just been too stubborn to listen.  But current events are putting the cross roads in front of my eyes, and it's time weather I'm prepared or not, to make a choice.  Inside I'm crying, but outside I stay strong for my children, and even smile in public like nothing is happening.  Although I am a believer that people really don't want to hear it all, and there is a time and a season for what and when we do things.....I have also gotten really good at fooling most everyone around me (or so I think!).  But the biggest person I wonder if I fool is myself!!!!

I keep hoping, "If I just change ME in this way or that..maybe he will listen and hear my heart cry out for a better marriage."  Or "If I just keep going...maybe one day he will see what our family really needs, and wake-up for what changes can be made so we can keep our family together." and one of the big ones I tell myself is...."What if it's all MY FAULT he's treating me this way?"  "What if I deserve to have my computer smashed under his foot? What if I did something SO wrong, to make him SO angry he looks this dark?" 

Non of us deserve to be emotionally, physically or sexually abused by our partner or spouse!  Non of us owe our bodies or brains and our own personal power to be snatched from us, as if another "owns us" more!!!  Abuse and manipulation is NEVER Ok, and only WE can stop this if it's happening to us!  This is where my journey has lead me to this point.  Making a choice of if I will continue to allow this, or break the bands of abuse and dysfunction and take a stand, not only for me, but more important for my children........

Beautiful Heartbreak

Beautiful Heartbreak