Lessons of Life

I choose the title of my blog "Beautiful Heartbreak" from the song by Hilary Weeks.  The message in this song, is powerful for each of us, no matter the challenges we face.  This song has brought tears from a pure "broken heart."  Ive listened to this song probably 100+ times, in moments I needed to have a perspective, and keep moving in my day.  I have amazing kids and they need me to be strong for them.  This song has given me the strength to keep going when I didn't want to get out of bed, or answer the phone or admit my reality.  When I wanted to freeze time and hold my babies, and not breath in fear that moment would fade away.  They grow so fast, and part of what I fear is my spouse trying to take them away.  ONLY but because it gives him control and power over me.  He knows the worst way to get at me, is through my children.  They are my everything, and he knows I wouldn't be able to breath without them in my life!  (Google 'Power & Control Wheel' to understand his other side more.) 

I have wanted to start this blog for a while now.  I have felt that extra push to get this started.  For now I choose to remain anonymous in my identity.  Till life begins to take more shape, and I gain more understanding of this journey the kids and I are on.  I have been blessed to meet many amazing people in my life!  Many from my career journey are not aware of my home situation.  I'm not ready to open my personal life up, till I know more what we will make or our next steps.

There are events in our lives pushing me to make a decision in what direction to take next.  This has caught me by surprise, but really I have been praying and crying out to my Heavenly Father for answers.  I fear He has been trying to tell me what to do, I have just been too stubborn to listen.  But current events are putting the cross roads in front of my eyes, and it's time weather I'm prepared or not, to make a choice.  Inside I'm crying, but outside I stay strong for my children, and even smile in public like nothing is happening.  Although I am a believer that people really don't want to hear it all, and there is a time and a season for what and when we do things.....I have also gotten really good at fooling most everyone around me (or so I think!).  But the biggest person I wonder if I fool is myself!!!!

I keep hoping, "If I just change ME in this way or that..maybe he will listen and hear my heart cry out for a better marriage."  Or "If I just keep going...maybe one day he will see what our family really needs, and wake-up for what changes can be made so we can keep our family together." and one of the big ones I tell myself is...."What if it's all MY FAULT he's treating me this way?"  "What if I deserve to have my computer smashed under his foot? What if I did something SO wrong, to make him SO angry he looks this dark?" 

Non of us deserve to be emotionally, physically or sexually abused by our partner or spouse!  Non of us owe our bodies or brains and our own personal power to be snatched from us, as if another "owns us" more!!!  Abuse and manipulation is NEVER Ok, and only WE can stop this if it's happening to us!  This is where my journey has lead me to this point.  Making a choice of if I will continue to allow this, or break the bands of abuse and dysfunction and take a stand, not only for me, but more important for my children........

Beautiful Heartbreak