Photos of the Past & New Dreams

My daughters teacher at church asked for a baby picture for her lesson.  I went to the boxes I started years ago (was never consistent with scrap-booking) to rummage through and find a picture or two of my daughter as a baby.

My heart swelled with all the beautiful memories, and was dashed at the same time of all the broken dreams.  I found dating pictures, wedding photos, photos of extended family on both sides and what they have meant in our lives.  I found photos of the in-laws and cried inside because "back then" things felt so non-complicated between us.  I loved them, and admired them so much!  Even sisters-in-law.. WOW! Now...well we haven't spoken in years!  Time has changed all of those things, and it saddens my heart!

I see the hope, the love, the "we can accomplish it all" in our eyes!  I see the man I still know my husband could be today, if we had stayed on that track we once were so focused on TOGETHER as a team!  A "TEAM!!"  There is no "I" in team!!! But our lives became about the "I" and lost the team vision.... We BOTH are to take responsibility for that. And really we both have done the best we felt we could at moments through the years, but power and control and pride really do get in our way of becoming the very best we can be, and truly being able to serve those we love the most.  God really wants us to be willing to lay down our pride, and do what is right, and true even when it's the most difficult, and even faced with the most difficult of challenges.  He wants us to rely on Him, and focus on doing what is right and bringing those we love the most security and peace of mind. 

In these photos, I see in our eyes so much ahead of us...So much to accomplish and the belief we can accomplish our goals.  You see...that is one of the things that attracted me to my husband the most.  We both shared goals, dreams, passions of a beautiful life...a life we knew we would have to work hard for, but we could accomplish together.  I saw various photos of us as we had each of our kids. Being pregnant with each one, their births, birthdays, and fun events along the way.  I cried as I held these precious photos in my hands...My babies looking at me and their father with those eyes telling us they had absolute faith and trust in us as their parents.  Feelings of failing my children's sense of security as parents flooded through me, like hot lava in my veins.  They and I didn't know the burdens they and have witnessed between us today.  They didn't know parents so angry holes were punched through walls, or financial isolation and control from one partner to another.  Lies about debt, that would one day cause people to knock at my door and tell me news I wasn't prepared for. Cars being repossessed when I didn't even know we were behind in the payments.  I had no clue during those years, I would be living a life with the words "tax fraud" as a common concern in my day. 

But if we want change, it's up to us to create it.  So this is where the most difficult steps are ahead for the kids and I.  This is where the road must change.... It's up to me to create change, so that my children know a different life.

Beautiful Heartbreak