What Faith Can Do

Conversations With God

This helped me today... God has all of us in His hands, all we have to do is trust him.  This is a picture of Christ, and I love it! But these are conversations I see myself having with our loving Heavenly Father for sure.  My ignorance and His enduring love....

Beautiful Heartbreak

Me: God, can I ask You a question?
God: Sure
Me: Promise You won't get mad
God: I promise
Me: Why did You let so much stuff happen to me today?
God: What do u mean?
... Me: Well, I woke up late
God: Yes
Me: My car took forever to start
God: Okay
Me: at lunch they made my sandwich wrong & I had to wait
God: Hmmmmm
Me: On the way home, my phone went DEAD, just as I picked up a call
God: All right
Me: And on top of it all off, when I got home ~I just want to soak my feet in my new foot massager & relax. BUT it wouldn't work!!! Nothing went right today! Why did You do that?

God: Let me see, the death angel was at your bed this morning & I had to send one
of My Angels to battle him for your life. I let you sleep through that
Me (humbled): OH
GOD: I didn't let your car start because there was a drunk driver on your route that would have hit you if you were on the road.
Me: (ashamed)
God: The first person who made your sandwich today was sick & I didn't want you to catch what they have, I knew you couldn't afford to miss work.
Me (embarrassed):Okay
God: Your phone went dead bcuz the person that was calling was going to give false witness about what you said on that call, I didn't even let you talk to them so you would be covered.
Me (softly): I see God
God: Oh and that foot massager, it had a short that would knock out all of the power in your house tonight. I didn't think you wanted to be in the dark.
Me: I'm Sorry God

God: Don't be sorry, just learn to Trust Me.... in All things , the Good & the bad.
Me: I will trust You.
God: And don't doubt that My plan for your day is Always Better than your plan.
Me: I won't God. And let me just tell you God, Thank You for Everything today.
God: You're welcome child. It was just another day being your God and I Love looking after My Children...

 

Photos of the Past & New Dreams

My daughters teacher at church asked for a baby picture for her lesson.  I went to the boxes I started years ago (was never consistent with scrap-booking) to rummage through and find a picture or two of my daughter as a baby.

My heart swelled with all the beautiful memories, and was dashed at the same time of all the broken dreams.  I found dating pictures, wedding photos, photos of extended family on both sides and what they have meant in our lives.  I found photos of the in-laws and cried inside because "back then" things felt so non-complicated between us.  I loved them, and admired them so much!  Even sisters-in-law.. WOW! Now...well we haven't spoken in years!  Time has changed all of those things, and it saddens my heart!

I see the hope, the love, the "we can accomplish it all" in our eyes!  I see the man I still know my husband could be today, if we had stayed on that track we once were so focused on TOGETHER as a team!  A "TEAM!!"  There is no "I" in team!!! But our lives became about the "I" and lost the team vision.... We BOTH are to take responsibility for that. And really we both have done the best we felt we could at moments through the years, but power and control and pride really do get in our way of becoming the very best we can be, and truly being able to serve those we love the most.  God really wants us to be willing to lay down our pride, and do what is right, and true even when it's the most difficult, and even faced with the most difficult of challenges.  He wants us to rely on Him, and focus on doing what is right and bringing those we love the most security and peace of mind. 

In these photos, I see in our eyes so much ahead of us...So much to accomplish and the belief we can accomplish our goals.  You see...that is one of the things that attracted me to my husband the most.  We both shared goals, dreams, passions of a beautiful life...a life we knew we would have to work hard for, but we could accomplish together.  I saw various photos of us as we had each of our kids. Being pregnant with each one, their births, birthdays, and fun events along the way.  I cried as I held these precious photos in my hands...My babies looking at me and their father with those eyes telling us they had absolute faith and trust in us as their parents.  Feelings of failing my children's sense of security as parents flooded through me, like hot lava in my veins.  They and I didn't know the burdens they and have witnessed between us today.  They didn't know parents so angry holes were punched through walls, or financial isolation and control from one partner to another.  Lies about debt, that would one day cause people to knock at my door and tell me news I wasn't prepared for. Cars being repossessed when I didn't even know we were behind in the payments.  I had no clue during those years, I would be living a life with the words "tax fraud" as a common concern in my day. 

But if we want change, it's up to us to create it.  So this is where the most difficult steps are ahead for the kids and I.  This is where the road must change.... It's up to me to create change, so that my children know a different life.

Beautiful Heartbreak

Tender Mery

Last night was one of those sleepless nights.  Tossing and turning never settling into a deep state of sleep.  From about 4:45am it turned into gut wrenching almost nightmares I continued to deal with.  My mind was racing with everything I have ahead of me to accomplish, yet keeping the outside of me calm for my children.  So many things to do, and with so little time, yet having to do it so carefully, takes strategy and craft Ive never done before in my life.  "Oh Heavenly Father, please help me know the paths to take, the steps to make as if like stepping stones in front of my feet" I pleaded with Him over and over... "Please calm my heart among the storms, and help me be strong for my children."  You see...they deserve to not live in this cycle any longer either.  There will be sacrifices I don't' know if one is ever really wanting to make, but if we don't sacrifice, there will never be change, and we will forever live in this state of existence. 

Mostly I fear today for my children.  What will he become?  I know what he is capable of becoming...so that is what gives me reason to plead for tender mercy on my children! "PLEASE LORD PROTECT MY BABIES!!!!!"

Today is one of those REALLY HARD days!!!  I know all I can do is rely on my Heavenly Father to help my feet land on the right paths, and bless us for the right people to come into our lives.  I am walking by pure and raw faith on this path.  As many answers as I DON'T have, I know our loving Heavenly Father will bring those answers at the right time, and through the right avenues.

Today....as is every day...is a day with a constant prayer in my heart.....

Beautiful Heartbreak

Lessons of Life

I choose the title of my blog "Beautiful Heartbreak" from the song by Hilary Weeks.  The message in this song, is powerful for each of us, no matter the challenges we face.  This song has brought tears from a pure "broken heart."  Ive listened to this song probably 100+ times, in moments I needed to have a perspective, and keep moving in my day.  I have amazing kids and they need me to be strong for them.  This song has given me the strength to keep going when I didn't want to get out of bed, or answer the phone or admit my reality.  When I wanted to freeze time and hold my babies, and not breath in fear that moment would fade away.  They grow so fast, and part of what I fear is my spouse trying to take them away.  ONLY but because it gives him control and power over me.  He knows the worst way to get at me, is through my children.  They are my everything, and he knows I wouldn't be able to breath without them in my life!  (Google 'Power & Control Wheel' to understand his other side more.) 

I have wanted to start this blog for a while now.  I have felt that extra push to get this started.  For now I choose to remain anonymous in my identity.  Till life begins to take more shape, and I gain more understanding of this journey the kids and I are on.  I have been blessed to meet many amazing people in my life!  Many from my career journey are not aware of my home situation.  I'm not ready to open my personal life up, till I know more what we will make or our next steps.

There are events in our lives pushing me to make a decision in what direction to take next.  This has caught me by surprise, but really I have been praying and crying out to my Heavenly Father for answers.  I fear He has been trying to tell me what to do, I have just been too stubborn to listen.  But current events are putting the cross roads in front of my eyes, and it's time weather I'm prepared or not, to make a choice.  Inside I'm crying, but outside I stay strong for my children, and even smile in public like nothing is happening.  Although I am a believer that people really don't want to hear it all, and there is a time and a season for what and when we do things.....I have also gotten really good at fooling most everyone around me (or so I think!).  But the biggest person I wonder if I fool is myself!!!!

I keep hoping, "If I just change ME in this way or that..maybe he will listen and hear my heart cry out for a better marriage."  Or "If I just keep going...maybe one day he will see what our family really needs, and wake-up for what changes can be made so we can keep our family together." and one of the big ones I tell myself is...."What if it's all MY FAULT he's treating me this way?"  "What if I deserve to have my computer smashed under his foot? What if I did something SO wrong, to make him SO angry he looks this dark?" 

Non of us deserve to be emotionally, physically or sexually abused by our partner or spouse!  Non of us owe our bodies or brains and our own personal power to be snatched from us, as if another "owns us" more!!!  Abuse and manipulation is NEVER Ok, and only WE can stop this if it's happening to us!  This is where my journey has lead me to this point.  Making a choice of if I will continue to allow this, or break the bands of abuse and dysfunction and take a stand, not only for me, but more important for my children........

Beautiful Heartbreak

Beautiful Heartbreak